That Girl

The look in your eyes lied to me

I’m not sure why it took me so long to get to this point but its time to say what I’ve figured out. Your wife and children are your top priority, as they should be. After that comes work, then who knows what, then somewhere at the bottom is me. I am not worth 2 min a week of your time to respond or to even acknowledge the possible plans we had. That last night, you looked at me, you held my hand. I felt like you wanted to be with me. It was all a lie. You only want what you want from me when you want it. Like I can be put on a shelf. I don’t work that way. I never asked for much from you. For a time, I got more than I ever expected. Now we’re back to nothing. Your actions show me that you don’t care at all. I need to walk away for my own sanity. You can have your life. I never want to feel like a bother or a burden again.

I will walk away. I know you won’t come after me, you already have the life you want.

I hope you enjoyed what we had. It was good while it lasted. That’s over now, all that’s left is me hanging on to what I thought we had.

What a day

Wishing there was a way to tell the entire world to fuck off. The list is so long at this point that a list of exemptions would be easier.

When someone gives you a gift, it is only polite to acknowledge it. Even a simple ‘fuck you’ is better than nothing.

Again…

I finally accept that we’re over. I decide its time to move on, you aren’t coming back. Then you do and we start all over again. You give me hope, you make me believe we can have it back, be what we once were.

The goodbye I wish I could send

There are days I want to hate you, days when I actually think I do.

There are days when I only want an explanation. Am I to blame? Did I do something to make you go? Did I do something to make you think it is ok to treat me this way? Are you really so different than I thought you were?

I believed you were genuine, that you were telling me the truth. I also chose to gloss over some things you said that should have clued me in that you really didn’t care about me.

When I asked, you gave answers that made me think I misunderstood and told me not to over think it, to enjoy the time we had together. Saying it was hard to come by. Was that time really hard to come by or did you choose not to be with me? Did you have more time that was given to someone else?

Obviously I am not what you want, what is? Who. Is it the one you go home to, or someone else like me who believes in you, cares about you and treasures every minute you give. Will you continue to give to her or will you disappear.

What happened in December that caused you to run. Did you really feel nothing all those days when you said you were thinking of me, when you said you wanted to be with me. You make me hate not only you, but myself. I shared so much with you, gave you a piece of myself. I regret that now. If I could take it back, I would. If I could delete every word and every picture from your mind and wherever else you have it saved, I would. I would take it back, for myself.

When I shared with you, I was taking back something for myself and chose to share it. I chose to share it with the wrong person.

I learned a lot from this, and you can bet it won’t happen again. From now on, what I take back, I keep for me. Nobody has any right to those pieces of me. I saw it as a gift, special. You saw it as something to use for your purposes and throw it away.

I suppose I should thank you for showing me what I want and what I deserve. I deserve better for my heart and my mind. I cared about you. I am so glad I never told you that, I did tell you I missed you, you lied and said you did too. What was the point of that, what did you gain? I hope you do miss me one day, I hope you see what you lost.

You lost someone who would have done anything for you, someone who cared without selfish motives. You lost someone who wanted you for you.

Comparing that, I guess you lost more than I did. I lost someone who lied, someone who didn’t truly care about me, someone who pretended, someone who said the right things at the right times just enough to keep me believing.

Christmas Eve 2010

The holiday season is here, we are supposed to be joyful. The days and days of silence only cause my heart to ache more. How long until I am no longer capable of anything except bitterness. How long until I drive everyone else from my life. Choosing the loneliness you thrust on me. When you aren’t here, I want no one. When you are near, I want everyone.

Let this Christmas bring me a kiss and a kind word. A sign that you miss me too. Do I haunt your thoughts and your dreams the way you do mine?