20 4 / 2011
The goodbye I wish I could send
There are days I want to hate you, days when I actually think I do.
There are days when I only want an explanation. Am I to blame? Did I do something to make you go? Did I do something to make you think it is ok to treat me this way? Are you really so different than I thought you were?
I believed you were genuine, that you were telling me the truth. I also chose to gloss over some things you said that should have clued me in that you really didn’t care about me.
When I asked, you gave answers that made me think I misunderstood and told me not to over think it, to enjoy the time we had together. Saying it was hard to come by. Was that time really hard to come by or did you choose not to be with me? Did you have more time that was given to someone else?
Obviously I am not what you want, what is? Who. Is it the one you go home to, or someone else like me who believes in you, cares about you and treasures every minute you give. Will you continue to give to her or will you disappear.
What happened in December that caused you to run. Did you really feel nothing all those days when you said you were thinking of me, when you said you wanted to be with me. You make me hate not only you, but myself. I shared so much with you, gave you a piece of myself. I regret that now. If I could take it back, I would. If I could delete every word and every picture from your mind and wherever else you have it saved, I would. I would take it back, for myself.
When I shared with you, I was taking back something for myself and chose to share it. I chose to share it with the wrong person.
I learned a lot from this, and you can bet it won’t happen again. From now on, what I take back, I keep for me. Nobody has any right to those pieces of me. I saw it as a gift, special. You saw it as something to use for your purposes and throw it away.
I suppose I should thank you for showing me what I want and what I deserve. I deserve better for my heart and my mind. I cared about you. I am so glad I never told you that, I did tell you I missed you, you lied and said you did too. What was the point of that, what did you gain? I hope you do miss me one day, I hope you see what you lost.
You lost someone who would have done anything for you, someone who cared without selfish motives. You lost someone who wanted you for you.
Comparing that, I guess you lost more than I did. I lost someone who lied, someone who didn’t truly care about me, someone who pretended, someone who said the right things at the right times just enough to keep me believing.
